Zeitgeist: the spirit of time

A boring life

I used to wonder if my life is really as boring as the others in my immediate vicinity see it.  They say that staying at home most of the time is boring when going out is much more fun.  Reading books is boring compared to going to parties and meeting new people.  YOLO they tell me.  I am wasting my life being a socially-awkward caterpillar than a social butterfly.

I also am bothered with the fact that I am not a die-hard fan of a star or pop idol like most of my peers.  I do not risk life and limb just to see a celebrity in person.  But I like to think that I am special that way.  Ha ha ha.

The truth is, I find stardom superficial and very tiring.  I tire of seeing the same people doing the same things over and over again and every little thing they do is scrutinized to death by people.  I do not see them as anything special, I usually see them as annoying people.

I digress, anyway, I think my life is satisfying enough to suit me.  It might be boring for most but me being an introvert I rather like the dark corners away from the glittering society.

I want to be a journalist and talk to ordinary people.  I do not want to wrap myself around famous people and be a personal lapdog to any of them.  In my degree we are always asked the question, “what kind of stories do you want to tell?” and in my heart I know I want to tell the stories of normal people, of normal lives away from the glamour.  Normal people are much more interesting because their lives are not open for everyone, that’s what makes them special: you get a little surprise every time.

Narcissism

Thanks for the offer but unfortunately, there’s only room enough for me in my mirror.

-Shibuya Kazuya (Ghost Hunt by Ono Fuyumi and Inada Shiho)

Ha ha ha.  Most of the time I feel the same way.  THERE’S ONLY ROOM ENOUGH FOR ME IN MY MIRROR!

The sky I lost

I was supposed to be chasing an ongoing dream, yet I faltered over others while walking this thin, winding path.  It’s not that I want to return to those days.  I’m searching for the sky I lost.

—-

Tears aren’t the end of your sins, you have to bear with them, painfully, forever.

-again, YUI (Hagane no Renkinjutsushi: Full Metal Alchemist)

Was I running?  I don’t know.  If I were, then where am I running towards?  Or am I running towards something?

The sky I lost.

Ha ha ha.

My sins.  They are living, breathing inside me.  I fear that one day they will devour me.  Sins never end do they?  They stay and torment you.  The only respite you could have is for you to be able to shut them in a place you rarely go but no matter what you do, they surface eventually.  Live with them is the only recourse, I suppose.

The pain is real though.  If I ever doubted, even for one moment, that I exist, the pain I feel reminds me that, sadly, all of this is indeed real.

I’m tired of it, but what can I possible do?  What can anyone do?  Nothing.  Nothing at all.  Escaping it is futile so is fighting it.  Live with it probably but the danger is that it might become you.  It might become all that you are.

I could only push forward now.  I could not, would not, look back.  Everything is here in front of me.  So close I could almost taste it but every time the sky is within reach I am assailed by doubts.  Could I really do this?  Will I succeed?  Or am I too broken, too weak and too stupid to reach my sky?

I am human after all.  Ha ha ha.  But no matter if I am all those things there is no other way but to push forward until I bleed.  That’s it.  I’ll push forward until I bleed and bleed some more until I bleed no more.  Maybe then I will be reborn.  Maybe then, after all the blood I could say that I have succeeded.  Maybe I would be able to finally say that I have lived.

Another dawn is breaking

Apparently, I still not have tired of learning after so many years if I could still feel excitement like this.  I still remember every single day with which I have woken up with the feeling of excitement.

This is my last chance, you know.  It is something that I have lived my life for.  I know that to have come so far, I cannot turn back and be a coward.

I will not let anything deter me from the life I want to lead.

Men

God I hate men who do nothing and let the women do everything.  They are beyond being useless.

They ruin the trips single-handedly.

Must we all do all the work?

I’d rather not go at all.

I have very dim hopes for this trip.

Father

I’ve heard that women generally want to marry men like their fathers.  I’m the opposite.  I never want to marry a man like my father.  In fact, I’d rather not marry at all if all men are like my father.

My father is the biggest reason why I do not want to marry or fall in love or have children.

My father is a good father but he is an abominable husband.  I do not want a man like that.

I have suffered enough watching him hurt my mother again and again.

Love Stories

Love stories should always end in happily ever after.  Always.  That is the biggest reason why I hate Nicholas Sparks and any other movie, book or manga/anime that ends with someone dying.

For me a real love story is one that ends happily.  I do not believe in the saying that it is better have loved and lost than never to have loved at all because if it ends badly, then the memories will be bittersweet.  That is not right.  It should be happy all the way.

I might be a little immature but that is what I truly believe.

The Mystic and the Realist

I have always found myself as a person who is both the mystic and the realist and for some reason, I have problems in reconciling both of my personality.

But as it stands, I love the contradiction because it makes me special.  Pompous isn’t it?  To think of oneself as special.

I am on both sides of the spectrum.  Or rather, I am in the middle of the spectrum.  Many people find themselves either/or but I found myself to be resting my toes on the middle, crossing the lines and enjoying it.

If I were to read my writings over and over again, I will find this amusing contradiction.  Sometimes I write seriously and sometimes I write just about anything that comes into my mind.

I am trying to write again because it calms me and because I am beginning to see that I am getting better at expressing my thoughts into words (though words will never be enough).

I love nature.  Its beauty, its serenity and most of all its power.  Life for me is the greatest power.  I love nature in a purely aesthetic viewpoint and I love nature because of the tiny bits and pieces that create it.  Every chemical, every compound, every element.

I can see a tree and see what kind of tree it is and then wonder if fairies would suddenly pop out from somewhere.

I wanted to be a Druid you know.  Or at the very least a vampire.

Why a Druid?  Because Druids have the inherent knowledge about nature and vampire live forever so I could chase knowledge my entire lifetime, though I will have to give up the sunrise.

I probably am not making too much sense right now and I am just rambling.

It does not really matter does it?  Nobody ever reads this but me.  I like it better that way, but in my heart of hearts, I want someone to read this and then talk to me about it.

Resignation

The circle is almost complete and I would like to say that I am neither happy nor sad about what trickles in as a result of my efforts.  I would term my current state as ‘resigned’.

It is something that I have learned to be as I went through the whole learning process about myself.  I have always found an interest with knowing who I am and the kind of person I am to the world and to myself.  Most of the time, I find myself disappointed for the ‘ideal me’ I have constructed in my mind does not, in any way, resemble who I am.  But that is not to say that I hate myself.

I probably am one of those people who could not find the strength to hate themselves.  I could hate myself for being selfish but never will I hate myself as a person.  I love myself that much and I respect myself as if it were a separate entity.

Right now, I actually have a firm grasp on understanding who I am.  I know basically what my strengths and weaknesses are and knowing it, I have made certain that my actions are in order to improve on those facets I have found myself lacking and sustaining those facets that make me a strong person.

As I look back at the last few months of struggle, I realized that I might not have given my best because I have purposely held myself back.  I could have pushed harder but I restrained myself.  In the life I have chosen I realized that restraint should never be in the equation.  Unbridled freedom would be the answer.

Regrets will only serve as self-flagellation and I have given up on the said practice because I never became a better person after flogging myself to messy, bloody, little pieces.  Rather, I learned how to reflect on my behavior that results in a certain kind of resignation and new found knowledge on me being stronger or more intelligent.

I have not earned the lowest but neither have I earned the highest.  I suppose I should be disappointed with myself but I am not.  I have always been the kind of person who rebounds and does well after a great fall.  I am a little confident that I will be better next time but I will now be careful, more careful.

Ha ha ha.  An interesting paradox isn’t it?  I have to be careful and free at the same time.  The vagaries of life serve to muddle the human mind.